


Destroya

by tobequitefrank



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Danger Days Era, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, Frerard, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Possible Character Death, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-06 23:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17949614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobequitefrank/pseuds/tobequitefrank
Summary: Gerard didn’t consider them a team, and he definitely didn’t consider himself a fucking Killjoy, but he couldn’t deny he felt some sort of satisfaction knowing he was going to put an end to the mindless control Better Living had over the city.Set in the Danger Days universe, where Better Living has control over Battery City. Killjoys are outlawed, which causes some problems when Gerard seems to rough it up with one. Inspired by "This is the Road to Ruin", only focuses on Gerard/Frank.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [This is the Road to Ruin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12320715) by [Lbell107](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lbell107/pseuds/Lbell107), [SavingGrace21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SavingGrace21/pseuds/SavingGrace21). 



> Better Living (Industries) & BL/IND & BLI used synonymously throughout.  
> Citizens of Battery City required by (BL/IND) law to take medication, enforces Honesty, Order, Obedience.

Gerard couldn’t remember much. But he did remember seeing Mikey, screaming out for him, his face just the same as when they had last seen each other. Jolting up, Gerard opened his eyes, half expecting to still see his brother standing in front of him, but was met with complete darkness – waiting for his eyes to adjust. Which it only took a couple of seconds, looking around frantically, not recognising any of his surroundings, trying to keep his heart rate from elevating. He could now feel himself sweating. His head pounding. And worst of all, an insane burning around his wrists. 

Taking his first look down, any efforts Gerard had previously made to steady his heart beat were immediately void, noticing the pair of handcuffs cutting into his wrists, keeping him prisoner to the chair he only just realised he was sitting on. 

This wasn’t something he had been trained for. As the future leader of Better Living, Gerard was supposed to avoid any reckless behaviour that could result in his capture, and as such, the company felt it wasn’t necessary for him to learn these types of survival skills. Gerard was certain this was because the company could then be sure he’d more likely die if he ever was, than spill any secrets. If only he had been the younger brother, destined to take over the SCARECROW division, literally trained every day to know how to respond in situations like this. Gerard desperately wished Mikey was here now. 

_Mikey._ His younger brother’s face flashing into his head. _Where was he? Had he been captured too? Was Mikey cuffed up just like this?_ Gerard felt that overprotective brotherly instinct kick in. His heart rate rising still, if it were even possible. Not knowing what to do, Gerard could feel himself begin to shiver, while sweat continued to drip down his face all the same. Cold sweats? He thought to himself. Pounding headache, ear piercing ringing through his skull. These were symptoms he had been told out, but couldn’t quite remember what for. _You need to take your pills or you will become sick again._ He recalled his mother’s voice. Pills. Withdrawals. He must have been kept up here for some time, a day at least. The last time he remembered taking his medication was this morning – or yesterday morning? Gerard wasn’t sure what day it was anymore. Trying to reach down to his pockets Gerard remembered one, he didn’t keep any pills in his pockets, and two, his hands were still cuffed. Gerard tried to think about anything he might have overheard from Mikey’s training, or any practice he had secretly given Gerard when they were young kids, oblivious to the harsh realities of what Mikey was actually being trained to do. 

Gerard’s thoughts were interrupted as a stranger walked through the door, Gerard trying to make them out. No, not a stranger – his bother? At least, Gerard was sort of certain it was Mikey.  
“G? Are you awake?” 

Gerard could now see Mikey standing right in front of him, his physical features still the same, only his hair was different. Blonde, cut short on the sides. And he wasn’t wearing his division issued uniform like he required to do, instead he had on the types of clothes Gerard had only seen on wanted posters. _Killjoy wanted posters._

“Here, take this.” Mikey was holding a glass of water. 

Suspicious, Gerard didn’t take it. “Where’s Mikey?” A question he didn’t mean to ask, it just sort of slipped out. “I mean, what is going on?” 

“Listen, I can explain. Just please have some water, your head must be killing you.” 

He couldn’t argue with that. Unsure how the water would solve his problems, Gerard reluctantly let Mikey pour it in his mouth before asking again. “Mikey, what the fuck is happening?” His head gesturing to his cuffed wrists, Mikey knowing his older brother was asking him to take them off.

“G, I can’t. Today and tomorrow is going to be the hardest, you just have to trust me that it’s for your own good.” 

Gerard already didn’t feel good, wondering how long he had actually gone without his pills, now questioning if Mikey was off his also. “I need my medication, I left it at the house.” Gerard didn’t know why he said that. He hadn’t left it at the house, at least not on purpose. He had planned to go back. He wasn’t meant to be here. He wasn’t even sure how he had gotten here. Or where here was. 

“Gerard, do you remember anything?” His younger brother asked, the sadness in his eyes so evident, even if his was trying to hide it in his voice. 

“I don’t – I can’t remember.” Gerard admitted, not sure if it was due to missing his pills or if someone had planned it so that he wouldn’t. “I just need my medication and then I can start to remember. Do you have yours with you?” 

Gerard now really didn’t feel good. Cuffed to a chair, all he could literally think about was getting his hands on one of his pills. And realising this made him feel some sort of sick to his stomach. He didn’t know where he was, how he got here, or why his brother was seemingly the reason for it, yet all he could focus on was taking his morning pill. 

“I’ll go and find you one.” Mikey said, leaving the glass down somewhere near his chair, Gerard assumed. 

Some good that would be, Gerard thought, the blood caused from his cuffed wrists beginning to run down his hand. Gerard sat in silence again for a while, desperately trying to remember any minuscule detail.

 _“Ghoul, can you go and give him this.”_ Gerard could recognise his brother’s voice even from the other room, his words more phrased as a statement than a question. 

The next thing Gerard knew, another figure was approaching him. Ghoul, it must have been. Gerard knew better than to think this was someone’s birth name, an alias no doubt. But it wasn’t a Killjoy he recognised, the number of tattoos covering his arms confirming that he was in fact just that. 

“Here.” Was all he said, showing Gerard a tiny pill held between his thumb and forefinger. 

It didn’t look like any pill Gerard had taken before, and certainly wasn’t one that had been manufactured in Battery City. “I’m not taking that.” He spat, unsure why Mikey had sent this Ghoul in to give it to him.

“Do you want to feel better? Take the pill or don’t, I don’t give a fuck.” Ghoul didn’t sound angry, he just sounded like he had other places he could be. 

Gerard wanted to ask what it was he was taking, but half of him knew Ghoul’s response would just be lies, and the other half kind of didn’t really care – as long as it was something. Gerard slightly opened his mouth, not only having to let Ghoul feed him the water this time, but also place the tiny pill on his tongue – the Killjoy’s fingers smelling distinctly like motor oil. “How do you feel?” he asked, a couple of moments after not bothering to try stop the water from running down Gerard’s chin from harshly forcing him to swallow the mystery pill. 

Gerard wasn’t sure why he was being asked, his tongue starting to tingle and head feeling incredibly heavy. He remembered thinking had he been poisoned? His heart now ready to rip out of his chest from the terror of being so stupid to take some illegal drug from a Killjoy. He could hear himself responding, “I feel fine.” Only he didn’t, he felt like he was having a heart attack, the outside of his vision now fading into black again. 

The next time Gerard woke up it wasn’t dark. Quite the opposite. He could now see all of his surroundings – a tiny room. It looked like a holding cell they had back at Better Living, only much dirtier and although he wouldn’t admit it out loud, much scarier considering he knew there was no one outside watching to make sure interrogations didn’t break protocol. Gerard’s thoughts were interrupted once he heard the door being unlocked, wondering whether it was Mikey or Ghoul he would be seeing walk through this time. Either one he was ready to have a go at, still unsure what was even happening and why he still had a pounding headache. 

“Hey.” Mikey had always been softly spoken, and Gerard envied him for that. He often wished he never raised his voice like Mikey. “I know you don’t know what is going on, but trust me I will explain.”

“I don’t trust you.” Gerard meant it, he hadn’t seen his brother is over a month after he disappeared. “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” 

“I just need you to get through today, after that we can talk about it, I’ll tell you what’s been going on.” 

Looking away from his brother, Gerard remembered he was still handcuffed, thinking back to last night and the pill he had taken. “You drugged me?” 

“It was just a sedative, I really needed you to get through the night, I don’t think you understand what has been going on. Those pills you’ve been forced to take, they’re brainwashing you G, making you into a drone. You’re going to have withdrawals.”

“You’re stopping me from taking them? Is that what all this is about?” Gerard moved his wrists, the handcuffs making a distinct sound as he did. 

“BL/IND is looking for you, Gerard.” He hated when people used that word for Better Living. “You didn’t think they were just going to let you slip away silently, did you?” The way Mikey asked made Gerard think he must have willingly come here, but knew that wasn’t the case – the cuffs telling him otherwise. 

“You off your pills, Mikey? Let me go, come back Battery with me. You’ll feel – I’ll feel – better if I just have my pills. You’re the one being brainwashed hanging with these…” Gerard meant to finish, but he couldn’t find the words to do so. As if the pounding in his head was prohibiting him from forming any more coherent words. 

“G?” Gerard could see his brother looking at him, but struggled to keep his eyes still long enough to look back. 

After a while he resurfaced. “I just really need my medicine.” Gerard wasn’t asking anymore, the pounding now almost unbearable. “Just one and I promise I’ll tell you anything you want to know. About Better Living, about SCARECROW, about my family.”

“What are you talking about?” Mikey was starting to get concerned, he knew the withdrawals would be the worst on the second day, but wasn’t sure if Gerard was even sure of who he was talking to anymore. “It’s me, Mikey. Do you know who I am?” 

“Do you know who I am? When my family finds out you’re holding me here you’re going to suffer the consequences, Killjoys must comply or die.” Gerard was sounding like a robot, or worse like a product of Better Living. 

Gerard watched as Mikey picked up the glass of water that had been left there overnight, before throwing it on his older brother’s face. It wasn’t cold, but was still enough to shock his system. Water now running into his eyes, Gerard shook his head to try move his wet hair from across his face. 

“I am worried about you.” Mikey’s voice was definitely concerned. “These people, they don’t have the type of sympathy I do for you – they won’t care if you’re my brother. You have to just get better, you need to just get better, then we can sort this shit out.” Combing his fingers back through his older brother’s hair to properly get it out of his eyes.

Gerard really saw his baby brother looking back at him this time. “Mikey, how did I get here?” 

This time Mikey just shook his head. “Sober up, I’ll get some food sent in.” 

Frustration was really starting to set in now, confused as to why his brother was so obviously keeping something from him, and still unable to get those goddamn handcuffs off from around his wrists. 

Moments later, the door swung open again, Ghoul walking through with a can of something Gerard was certain he didn’t want to eat. Slamming it down on the bench next to him, Ghoul took a small key to undo Gerard’s right handcuff so that he could finally eat. “You’ve got five minutes and it’s going back on.”

Gerard could tell Mikey and Ghoul were putting on some sort of good cop, bad cop façade, wondering if it was something his brother had been taught while training for SCARECROW. “I’m not eating that.”

“I’m not eating that, I’m not taking that.” Ghoul mimicked. “Anything else you want to complain about?” Gerard knew he was talking about the pill from last night. “You’re going to eat it because it’s all you’re getting offered. It’s this or nothing.” 

“Then nothing.” Gerard was only being difficult now, not wanting to let Ghoul win this time. 

“As much as I don’t care if you starve to death, you really should eat because I’ve been told to keep you here for as long as it takes to get something useful out of your goddamn useless mouth.” Ghoul looked fed up with being in Gerard’s presence. 

“Where am I and how did I get here?” Gerard wanted to take advantage of Ghoul’s seemingly more talkative state, even if it was threatening. 

“You really don’t remember anything? They must have got you good.” Ghoul was smirking, obviously finding the situation amusing. “Kid thought it would be a good idea to trick you out here, bring you back, and have you tell us everything we need to know on BL/IND.”

“Kid?” Gerard wasn’t sure who he was referring to.

“Kobra Kid? Fuck, BL/IND really has no idea what the fuck is going on outside its prison walls. Your brother? He’s already helped us out with everything SCARECROW, but said it was family tradition for only you know about the inner workings of BL/IND.” 

Gerard was almost furious, and definitely would have been if he had the energy. Slowly but surely, he started to regain recollection of what had happened that night. Mikey radioing in, asking Gerard to meet him at a secure location in the desert. Gerard sneaking out past city curfew to hopefully bring Mikey back. And lastly being jumped before waking up where ever the fuck he was now. “Only I would never tell you anything.” It was Gerard’s turn to be amused. “Better Living will already have CROWs out to find me, and they’re not going to show any mercy to whoever else it is they come across when they do.” 

“We are over a day out, nonstop, from the city wall. Which means I have a whole 24 hours until they supposedly come find you. I’ve done a lot in less.” Gerard wasn’t expecting what came next, as an intense white pain shot through his jaw, only realising Ghoul had sucker punched him once his mouth began to pool with blood. Ghoul leant down to be eyesight with Gerard, squeezing his face in his right hand, not showing any signs of remorse for the broken jaw Gerard was now sure he had. “You’re forgetting we’re not going to show any mercy to you either.”

Gerard spat whatever amount of blood there was in his mouth at the Killjoy, before using his still uncuffed wrist to deliver an equally hard punch to Ghoul’s left cheek. He immediately regretted it, the pain in his hand the least of his worries compared to the look of resentment Ghoul was now wearing. 

“You’re going to be sorry you were ever born into that fucked up family of yours.” Before Gerard could do anymore, Ghoul had his wrist back in its cuff. Terror now flowing over Gerard, as he realised he could no longer defend himself. 

Ghoul had just delivered his third punch to Gerard’s jaw when Mikey came bursting in. “What the fuck are you doing?” Gerard finally able to take some time to breathe while Ghoul had turned around to respond to his brother.

“Don’t fucking send me in here if you’re not going to let me do it my way.” Ghoul wiped Gerard’s blood from his knuckles on the back of his pants. “He’s not like you Kid, I don’t think he can be saved. Sure as fuck doesn’t want to be.” 

Mikey didn’t respond as Ghoul left the room, walking over to his brother to assess the damage to his jaw. “What the fuck did you say to him?” 

“You planned all of this? Getting me to come out here, what the fuck was I thinking?” 

“G, I know you’ll want to help. Once you understand what’s been going on, I need you off your pills then we can explain everything to you.” Mikey had tried to use his thumb to wipe the blood running down his brother’s chin, but Gerard pulled his face away.

“Tell me what the fuck is going on.” Gerard was yelling now, knowing he held authority over his brother, even handcuffed to a chair. 

“We are planning an attack, you have information we need to do that.”

“ _We?_ What, you think you’re a fucking Killjoy now? Mikey, they’re using you. You’re a Way, they’re gonna blast you as soon as they’ve done what they need you for.” Gerard was still able to taste the blood in his mouth. 

“You’re wrong. BL/IND is using _you_. All those pills, they’re inhibiting your free will G, poisoning your mind, fuck, look at the affects you get just from not taking them. Mum, Dad, the whole company, they’re controlling Battery City.” 

Gerard stopped listening, half because of the overwhelming pain in his entire body and half because how could Mikey think their whole life had been a lie? “Mikey, you need help, you need your pills.” 

“No, you need help and that’s what we are doing.” Mikey stood up to leave the room, Gerard beginning to panic as he did. 

He had to do something to keep this brother in the room long enough to get him to remove his handcuffs and let him go. “Mikey wait, the plan, the attack, tell me about it.” 

“You can’t be trusted yet, G.” 

“Then just take these fucking cuffs off me, man.” Gerard pleaded, a combination of the punches he just received, the cuffs still digging into his wrists, and the withdrawals he was still obviously working through, making him feel like he was about to faint. 

Mikey looked down at his brother’s wrists for a while, before taking out his own key and taking one cuff off. He placed the key and cuff on the bench next to Gerard. “The door’s staying locked.” He said before leaving Gerard to remove the other cuff. 

\---  
Gerard didn’t remember falling asleep, only finding himself waking up as a result of the pain in his jaw flaring up as he was. Groaning, Gerard lifted his head off the table, using his now free hands to push his hair back off his face before gently massaging his cheek. His hair was wet again, not from water this time, but sweat. 

The darkness of the room was slightly disorientating as Gerard tried to find the canned food that was previously left on the table by Ghoul. He didn’t care now what it was, Gerard hadn’t eaten in over in what he knew was at least two whole days, and between that and his pill withdrawals, Gerard knew he wasn’t doing well. 

He used his fingers to scoop some of the wet food into his mouth, Ghoul so kindly neglecting to give him a spoon or fork. Gerard didn’t even make to swallow the first mouthful, immediately spitting it back into the can. 

“Tastes like shit, right?” 

Gerard shot around, only now noticing the figure leant up against the wall once the voice had made him visible. He wasn’t scared of Ghoul, just that he was more unaccustomed to his give ‘em hell attitude. Gerard knew he would never make it in Battery City, Better Living would have exterminated him as soon as he opened his smartass mouth. 

“Yeah, I don’t want me in here either, but Kobra said if you’re going to refuse to stay cuffed, we all have to take turns watching you. And lucky me, you’d wake up right in the middle of my shift.” Ghoul’s sarcasm was another thing that would not be tolerated in Battery. 

Gerard didn’t bother to respond, instead running his hands through his hair again, his insane headache still present. 

“Look, your brother told me to go easy on you, said you really don’t know anything about what BL/IND has been doing.” Ghoul didn’t move from his spot at the door. “What is it like being controlled your whole life? Didn’t you have some sort of idea?” 

Gerard wasn’t listening, instead now fixed on the ray gun Ghoul had sitting in his holster. 

“I think all this sun and sand has gone to your head. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Gerard thought if he could only get the Killjoy angry enough to swing at him again, he could try take that gun and force his way out. “Better Living, is just that, a better way of living. All you deviants could have had that life too if you weren’t so fucking unprincipled.” 

Ghoul didn’t respond right away, finally making his way over to Gerard. “I fucking despise your family and everything they have done.” Gerard was starting to panic now, not sure if he should try reach out for the gun, or perhaps use the handcuffs still sitting on the table to cuff Ghoul to the chair instead. “I used to live in Battery, you know. Before I got out. I would see little kids get blasted in the streets because they were what you would call defective. All while you sat up _there_ , apparently oblivious to what was really going on under your name.” 

Gerard was slightly taken aback, yes, defective citizens had to be exterminated, but surely Better Living had a more humane approach to dealing with children? “I really don’t think you know what you’re talking about. This Killjoy fantasy, you’re the real corruption.”

But Ghoul didn’t seem to take the bait, instead retreating back to his position by the door. “When was the last time you did something you wanted. Something no one else told you to do?” 

Gerard wasn’t going to fall for his tricks, now considering if he would be strong enough to take down Ghoul even if he had his ray gun. But he thought better of it, letting his mind mull over the question the Killjoy had asked. Not that Gerard would ever share something like that with Ghoul, but he was struggling to find an answer. Even sneaking out to meet Mikey wasn’t on his own accord, he would have only been doing that for Better Living’s sake. 

“Free will isn’t something that should be feared like BL/IND wants you to think.” Gerard didn’t care much for Ghoul’s Killjoy induction speech. Of course he had free will, Gerard could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, he had just never felt the need to want to try. 

After a moment of silence, Ghoul spoke up again. “Where do they make the pills?” 

Gerard locked eyes with the Killjoy. “I – that’s highly classified. I wouldn’t be privy to that sort of information until I was required to actually take over Better Living.” Gerard was lying. Although highly classified, he knew exactly where the pills were made, at what times they were transported, who drove the trucks, even how to get into the factory. 

Ghoul didn’t look away, obviously trying to figure out if he believed him or not. Two thoughts crossed Gerard’s mind, firstly that the Killjoys must have been planning an attack on the pill factory, and secondly that Gerard had lied. Not that lying was against the law in Battery, more so that the pills he had been conditioned to take made it impossible for anyone to do so. Honesty, order, obedience, the pills made you into a model citizen. Gerard couldn’t comprehend why anyone would think that was a bad thing. 

Although he had to admit, lying just now did give him some sort of rush he had never felt before. “Where do you produce your weapons?” Gerard thought that while they were swapping 20 questions, he may as well try get some useful information he could deliver once he returned home. 

“That’s also highly classified.” The Killjoy smirked. “Where is the server with all the Killjoy files?” 

“Don’t know.” Another lie. “Who supplies your tattoos?” Tattoos were illegal in Battery, and while Better Living currently had no way of policing it out in the desert, information on who the undergrown artists were could provide some sort of head start. 

“Oh, man. All over, I honestly don’t remember. Had them for too long.” Ghoul was stretching his arms out to admire his own skin. 

Gerard, who had truthfully never seen tattoos in person before, kind of thought they were interesting. “Can I see?” 

Ghoul looked a bit surprised, not sure if he was being messed with or if Gerard actually wanted to see. “Why? You thinking of getting some?” There was that sarcasm again. 

Gerard didn’t reply, but wondered if he was meant to. Ghoul walked over nonetheless. It was dark, Gerard couldn’t really see, but knew there were tattoos all over Ghoul’s hands and covering what parts he could see of his arms. All different, none of them seemingly related, some of them even using colours Gerard had never seen before. He wanted to ask Ghoul what the colours were called, but honestly felt stupid doing so. “How many do you have?” He decided on instead, counting at least 20.

Ghoul laughed. “Oh, way too many to count.” 

Gerard assumed this meant he had a whole lot more he couldn’t see, perhaps even under his shirt? Gerard strangely wanted to see, wondering if they too had colours he had never known. Without thinking, Gerard grabbed Ghoul’s elbow, particularly drawn to a colour that he would have called blood. 

“Oh yeah, the red looks cool, hey?” Ghoul didn’t seem to mind Gerard’s hand on his skin. 

_Red?_ He thought to himself, kind of bitter Better Living had kept colours from the city now, after all, what harm could a bit of red do? Snapping out of his head, Gerard dropped the Killjoy’s arm, remembering the ray gun still holstered to his side. He could literally reach out and grab it now, thinking this could be his only chance. Although, remembering the door was locked, Gerard realised he didn’t really have a foolproof plan once he had the gun, probably more likely to cause himself another punch to the jaw.

As if Ghoul had read his mind, the Killjoy reached out and turned Gerard’s cheek so he could see the damage he had caused earlier today. “Sorry about that.” Gerard winced at the pain. “Cleaned you up pretty good, hey? Look like you’ve just come in from Zone 6 at least.” 

Gerard didn’t know what any of that meant, but took it as an insult. He could tell that it was bruised, and still wasn’t sure if his jaw had been corrected, although knew if he could talk it mustn’t have been too messed up. He still wanted to ask. “That bad, huh?” 

“You look alright by me.” Ghoul released Gerard’s face, taking a step back. “I’d get you some ice, but I haven’t seen any in years.” He smirked a little. “Although…” Ghoul trailed off, exiting the room without explanation. 

Gerard stood up, feeling slightly dizzy as he did. It had been a while since he had been up and walking. Reaching the door, Gerard gripped the handle, praying Ghoul had left it unlocked. But it wasn’t. 

The overwhelming urge to punch the wall was running over Gerard, choosing to sit back down rather than cause himself any more injuries. 

A moment later, Ghoul returned, with what Gerard assumed would be something for his pain, but instead was what looked like more canned food rations. He chucked one over to Gerard. “Here, won’t stay cold for too long, but if it’s not helping the pain at least drinking it might.” Gerard looked at the can, unsure what to do with it. “It’s moonshine.” Ghoul spoke up as if it was so painstakingly obvious. 

Gerard, who had never tasted alcohol in his life, wasn’t sure what came over him. Sure, alcohol was illegal in Battery City, but so were colours and as he had just discovered, red didn’t seem too bad. What harm could some alcohol do? Opening the can, Gerard took a drink. He couldn’t say he loved the taste, but wasn’t sure if this was how it was meant to be, so didn’t want to make any comment. He noticed Ghoul watching him. “What?” 

Ghoul smirked again. “You breaking the law right now, that’s something I never thought I would see.” Taking a sip of his own drink, Ghoul threw another over to Gerard. “There’s plenty more.”

\---  
Gerard had lost track of time. Not only time, lost track of his inhibitions. Counting the empty cans they had both consumed, Ghoul had also made himself comfortable, now sitting on the table next to the other man. 

He was slurring his words, also spilling drink all over Gerard. “You know, your brother didn’t want me to say.” Ghoul took another drink. “But he’s gone out for a drop. I could show you around, if you keep it a secret.” The Killjoy winked, holding out his can towards Gerard. 

Gerard tapped his against it, then poured the rest of the drink down his throat before standing up. Although, he wished he didn’t. Standing up made the whole world spin. He wasn’t sure if Ghoul had drugged him again, or it was still some sort of withdrawal symptom no one had warned him about. “I can’t fucking walk.” Was the first thing that came out of his mouth. 

Ghoul began to laugh. “You’re drunk, dude.” 

Gerard furrowed his brow. “Drunk?” This wasn’t a word he had heard used in this context before. “What do you mean?” 

“Alcohol? It’s what happens when you drink. When you drink too much. I probably should have warned you.” Ghoul was still laughing, but stopped once he noticed Gerard’s panic setting in. “Don’t worry, it’s only for a few hours. Just enjoy it.” Ghoul stood up, walking over to the door and unlocking it with his key. “Come on.” He dragged out his vowels. 

Gerard uncoordinatedly followed, wishing he wasn’t drunk so to take advantage of the situation. He was finally out of the room, but too inebriated to orientate himself an escape plan. Looking out the front, Gerard noticed the sun beginning to rise over the sand. _What was the time?_ He thought to himself. It was a sight he had never ever seen before. The sun casting the most insane colours over the desert and sky, in a way Gerard would only describe as beautiful. He hoped the sight wasn’t just a result of being drunk. Before he knew it, Gerard was standing out there with Ghoul, watching the sun slowly rise. A huge proper smile plastered over his face. 

“Want to go for a drive?” Ghoul was holding out some keys, to what Gerard only assumed was a car. 

He knew he should have declined, or even fought Ghoul off for the keys himself so he could drive back to the city. But instead, he said yes. Hopping into the passenger side of a car he knew no one would ever have in Battery. A sudden wave of terror washed over Gerard, _what if Ghoul was taking him somewhere to kill him?_ He decided he really did not like alcohol. For one it tasted like shit, and two it made him agree to things without thinking. Almost holding some sort of control over his decisions. They’re controlling you. Making you into a drone. Mikey’s voice rung through Gerard’s head. Is this like what the pills were doing to him, only all the time? Watching Ghoul scull the remainder of his drink, before throwing the empty can out the window onto the sand, he revved up the car. 

By the time they had returned, the sun was beginning to start the day. Gerard not really remembering much of the drive, but knowing he had enjoyed himself. He could still feel the effects of the alcohol, but to a much lesser extent. Walking into the hide out with Ghoul, the pair were met with a furious Mikey and a guy Gerard had not yet met. 

“Where the fuck have you been?” Mikey was talking mostly to Ghoul. “Come back and you’re fucking gone, you have any idea what we thought happened?” 

“Reeeeelax, Kid.” Ghoul was still slurring. 

“Are you drunk?” The look on Mikey’s face made Gerard not want to open his mouth, in case he discovered that his brother was also in fact drunk. “Are you drunk?” Too late, he was now looking at Gerard. 

Before Gerard could respond, Ghoul had jumped in. “Look Ko-bruh, you oughta relax some. You haven’t even introduced your brother to Jet here.” 

Gerard assumed he was talking about the guy standing with his brother. 

“Ghoul, this isn’t a fucking joke.” Mikey hissed, reaching over to keep his brother upright. “G, come with me.” 

Gerard was led by Mikey over to a sink, before being splashed with water in an attempt to sober him up. “What the fuck were you thinking? Do you know you’re drunk?” 

He couldn’t help but laugh. “Yes, Michael. I know that I am drunk.” Gerard was almost as surprised as Mikey with the words that had come out of his mouth. 

“This is insane. Two days sober and now he’s got you fucking drunk.” Mikey was visibly distraught. 

“Hey man, it doesn’t last forever. Ghoul said so.” Gerard was holding his brother’s shoulders, looking right into his eyes. “I’m still me, when you drink too much you just get drunk.” 

Mikey couldn’t help but laugh now either, his brother explaining the obvious effects of alcohol. It wasn’t that Mikey was concerned, more that he had left Ghoul alone to try get information out of his brother. Not waste time drinking. “You need to eat some food and sober up.” Was his response. 

Gerard was now sitting down at a table, eating whatever rations Mikey had put in front of him. The group of Killjoys over by the front, obviously talking to Ghoul about what had happened. Gerard tried to listen, but it was hard, only catching little bits of the conversation. Mainly Ghoul, drunk and unable to lower his voice. 

Gerard felt sick to his stomach, had he told something to Ghoul that he shouldn’t have? He couldn’t remember. He felt really sick to his stomach, more so than he should for just letting some words slip out of his mouth. He actually thought he was going to throw up. Standing, Gerard made his way back over to the sink Mikey had just washed his face in, bending over to vomit into it. Was this part of being drunk too? 

Gerard was back in his room now, only this time Mikey had been kind enough to set up a makeshift bed for him to sleep in. “You’re going to be hungover when you wake up, you know that right? Being drunk is the fun part, the hangover’s just a bitch.” 

Gerard groaned, he wasn’t even sure if being drunk was the fun part to begin with. 

“G, the factory. Where is it?” Mikey was asking softly, on his knees beside his brother.

Gerard didn’t want to tell him, so he didn’t. “You know I can’t tell you, Mikey.” 

\---  
The next time Gerard woke, he guessed it was a little past midday. Which was strange for him, as he had never slept so irregularly before. Rolling over, he was already experiencing what he only assumed was the hangover Mikey had been referring to earlier. There was a glass of water next to him, with a note reading ‘Drink me’ and a small smiley face afterwards. Taking the drink, Gerard knew it wasn’t his brother’s handwriting, guessing the note must have been from Ghoul. He slowly made his way up, half expecting the door to be locked, only to be pleasantly surprised it wasn’t. Walking out into the common area, Gerard found it to be empty. Glancing over to the front door, Gerard thought about making a run for it, only to be interrupted by none other than Ghoul making his way out of a separate room. 

He hair a complete mess, rubbing his face, it was obvious he had only just woken up too. “Hey there.” He groaned.

Gerard had started to grow accustomed to Ghoul; his arrogant behaviour, blatant disrespect for authority, and stupid smile, something Gerard was only just realising he was finding comfort in.  
“Where is everyone?” Gerard asked, the emptiness of the place evident. 

“Oh, Kid and Jet went off to try find that factory you refuse to give us any information about.” Ghoul took something to eat out of the cupboard, standing by Gerard to eat it. “You could have been more descriptive last night with its exact location.” 

Gerard hadn’t forgotten about last night, drinking way too much, going for a drive with Ghoul to fuck knows where, overhearing that he had apparently told Ghoul about Better Living’s factory, although he had no idea how much he had actually said. “You got me drunk just so you could get whatever you wanted out of me?” Gerard was only just realising Ghoul had used him. 

“Trust me, if I had gotten what I wanted, it would not have been that.” Ghoul was standing way too close now, his hand reaching up to grip Gerard’s shirt at the front. Gerard’s eye fell onto Ghoul’s lips, but before it could go any further, Gerard had pushed him back. 

Gerard didn’t say anything, not really sure what was going on. _Had he almost wanted to kiss Ghoul?_ He had no idea what was going through his head. The pair stood in silence for a moment, Gerard now panicking about the fact he could not remember anything that had happened on the drive with the Killjoy now standing in front of him. He took comfort in the fact that Ghoul didn’t seem to press any further. 

“Your brother, seems to think you want to help save the world.” Ghoul made his way to the table, Gerard watching him, well more so watching his tattoos.

Gerard had started to play a game with himself of guessing the names of the colours he was unfamiliar with. Telling himself one day he’d actually ask Ghoul if he was right. He had already named a few like Sky, Sand, and one colour he was particularly fond of, Ghoul, because it reminded Gerard of him. 

“Just tell me he’s right so I can stop feeling so fucking stupid.” 

Gerard wasn’t sure what Ghoul meant. “Stupid for?” 

He turned around, catching Gerard looking over his skin. “I’m meant to fucking hate you.” 

Not knowing if he was meant to respond, Gerard just looked away. His heart beat seemingly increasing for reasons he was unsure about. “I can take you to the factory. Just tell me what the plan is.”


	2. two

It was a little before dawn, Ghoul and Gerard having just dropped off Jet and his brother to be stationed where the two trucks would drive straight through from the night shift. It had taken them a little over 3 weeks to organise and plan their attack on the factory, Gerard finally agreeing to help them out with whatever information he knew. He had taken them to the factory several times over those weeks to scope the place out, explaining the schedules for the workers, the routes for the trucks, and any potential structural weaknesses he knew of in the building. 

He didn’t consider them a team, and he definitely didn’t consider himself a fucking Killjoy, but he couldn’t deny he felt some sort of satisfaction knowing he was going to put an end to the mindless control Better Living had over the city. Not that it was all bad, Gerard just thought people ought to have the choice, and knew that Better Living would be able to recover, even if it was a major setback. 

There was a window between the night and morning shift which would be the perfect opportunity for them to plant the explosives Ghoul had prepared inside the building, and with Gerard having his own access code, the pair could easily step inside to do so.

It wasn’t necessarily meant to be a stealth mission, the factory was technically meant to be empty, but pulling up to the rendezvous point, they could clearly see a Better Living vehicle still parked out the front. 

“Fuck.” Ghoul had given Gerard a bandana to wear around the lower half of his face, telling him to now put it on. “Give me your code, and I’ll go in to plant the bombs.”

“Are you serious? You’re not going in alone.” Gerard wasn’t sure why a few Better Living employees meant he was no long apart of the operation.

“You’re too easily recognised. Do you want to get taken back to that hell hole of a city?” Ghoul didn’t let Gerard answer, probably afraid of what his response would have been. “Look, I’ll go in quick, get right out. Promise.” Making to get out of the car, Gerard grabbed him by the arm. 

“I’m going in with you, you don’t know your way around. Besides if I’m there, they’ll be more likely to ask first shoot later, not shoot first ask later.” Gerard did have a point. 

Entering, Gerard recognised two senior employees hanging about in the control room at the top of the building. Clearly distracted by whatever it was they were conversing in, Ghoul and Gerard were able to quite easily plant their share of explosives around the entry level of the factory. Gerard couldn’t deny that it was fun, he had always secretly wanted to be a SCARECROW rather than the leader of Better Living, and felt this was the closest he was going to get. 

After Ghoul had planted the last bomb, he signalled for Gerard to meet him back at the entrance to get the fuck out. And they almost did, reaching the front door before Gerard heard the distinct voice of his uncle Korse from the behind them at the opposite end on the room. 

“Stop, or you will be executed.” Gerard didn’t know if his uncle just hadn’t recognised him or whether he was bluffing, turning around to see Korse’s gun held up to him. Until Gerard heard a gunshot, deciding to run rather than find out what it would feel like. Reaching the sand, Gerard only stopped once he was back at the car with Ghoul. 

The pair turned around to see Korse making his way through the front, only for Ghoul to detonate the explosives before he could. After that, all Gerard could hear was ringing, watching as the factory was demolished with Korse and the other employees still inside. He couldn’t move. He had just killed his uncle, what the fuck kind of game did Gerard think he was playing? Ghoul stood to obstruct Gerard’s view, grabbing him by the shoulders. He was talking but Gerard couldn’t hear a word of what he was saying, his legs feeling like jelly and lead at the same time. It was as if time was moving incredibly slow, if not standing still. He wanted to take it all back, undo what he had just been a part of, go back to Battery and forget all of this. Ghoul was still yelling something, trying to get Gerard to snap out of it and back into the car before anyone caught them. But he couldn’t make himself move. That was until his whole body received a shock to its system. Ghoul smashing his lips against Gerard’s, only for a second, pulling away before he had the chance to kiss back. 

“We have to get the fuck out of here!” Gerard could finally hear Ghoul’s voice, the Killjoy grabbing his hand and physically dragging him over to the car. 

He ripped open the passenger side door, jumping in while Ghoul did the same. Gerard couldn’t breathe, leaning back against the headrest starting to hyperventilate. “I think I’m having a fucking panic attack.” He managed to get out. 

“G, it’s alright. Just take deep breaths.” Gerard wasn’t sure when Ghoul had started calling him that, the familiarity of the nickname already calming him down some.

Gerard was now thinking about how Ghoul had kissed him, putting it down to adrenaline, but unsure if he should mention anything about it. _Why had he liked it? And more importantly, why did he want him to do it again just so this time, Gerard could kiss him back?_

There weren’t any regulated speed limits out in the desert, and even if there had been, Ghoul was definitely exceeding them. “Just hope Jet and Kid are doing alright, too.” He said, Gerard now remembering his brother was out in the desert somewhere intercepting a Better Living pill transport truck driven by highly trained CROWs. 

Gerard was starting to sweat, his hands shaking uncontrollably and vision starting to fade. “I don’t feel too good.” An intense white-hot pain in his lower right abdomen now making itself very apparent. 

He reached down to put pressure on the area, feeling a sticky liquid coating his shirt. _Red?_ He remembered thinking, pulling away to see the colour all over his hand. 

“Fuck, Gerard. Are you hit?” Ghoul sounded visibly distraught, the realisation only coming to Gerard that it was his own blood on his hands once Ghoul had asked. 

“I – I don’t know.” Gerard didn’t remember being shot, or at least he hadn’t felt it, wondering now if he was going to die. 

He heard Ghoul ask another question, but not what it actually was, shutting his eyes only for a second to relieve himself of some pain. 

Next thing Gerard knew, he was back at the hideout, Mikey jumping up as soon as he saw his brother’s eyes open. “How you feeling? Do you feel okay?” Mikey didn’t let Gerard respond before asking further. “What happened? I knew you shouldn’t have gone out there with Ghoul. It was fucking stupid.” 

Gerard, feeling overwhelmed, just lay there for a moment, trying to remember what _had_ happened. _The mission, explosions, getting shot._

 _Ghoul kissing him._ “Where is he?” Was his first response.

Gerard knew Ghoul must have saved his life, or at least kept him alive long enough for someone else to do so. Reaching down, Gerard now noticed his shirt had been cut open, and his wound bandaged up. “I – I was, how? I was shot?” Gerard now reliving the feeling of his own skin burning.

“Jet, he patched you up.” Mikey lifted his brother’s hand off of his bandage. “You need to get some more rest.” 

Gerard didn’t want his brother to go, he still had a million questions. About the mission, about being shot, about what day it even was. But Mikey had already stood up. “Just promise you’ll take it easy?” He asked, Gerard agreeing although already wanting to be up and walking around. 

Thinking better of it, he just continued to lay in his bed, closing his eyes again, a million images clouding his head. _His uncle, the factory, his own blood. Ghoul yelling his name. Ghoul kissing him._ Gerard ripped opened his eyes, now staring at the ceiling. He almost didn’t notice Ghoul walk in. 

“Hey.” Was all he said.

Gerard didn’t really know what to say back, was he meant to act normal around Ghoul now? Like nothing had happened?

“You had us scared there for a moment.” Ghoul was being light-hearted. 

“I’ll keep that in mind next time I decide to get shot.” Gerard laughed nearly, but only for a second, the motion causing pain in his stomach. 

“More so me than anyone else.” The Killjoy joked. 

Gerard didn’t believe that, knowing his brother would have been more distraught than Ghoul, but didn’t comment. 

“Listen.” Ghoul decided to break the silence that had now fallen. “About before, at the factory. I didn’t know what else to do.”

 _Anything?_ Gerard thought, wondering how that was the first choice that came to Ghoul’s mind. 

“We all good?” Gerard could tell Ghoul was feeling awkward, avoiding eye contact with Gerard. 

He didn’t want to respond, because frankly he didn’t know what to say. A million thoughts were running through his mind, but ignoring whatever the fuck it was that happened at the factory seemed like the best thing to do. “Yeah, all good.” Any quieter, and it would have been a whisper. 

“Jet said he’s going to take Kid for a supply run. Try and take his mind of things, said he’s pretty pissed.” Ghoul laughed a little. “Any requests?” 

Gerard didn’t know if this was a serious question or another one of Ghoul’s jokes. “Pain medication? Some real fucking food?” 

\---  
It was late. Gerard hadn’t been able to sleep at all, every time he closed his eyes, reliving the early morning in his head. He didn’t know if he was more caught up on destroying the factory, or Ghoul kissing him. Both scenarios constantly replaying over and over. 

He had been up walking for most of the day, surprisingly not in as much pain as Gerard was expecting, most of his pain in fact coming from being cooped up in this room. He couldn’t breathe in there, the still air and pitch black causing some sort of claustrophobia Gerard didn’t know he had. 

Looking for any means to get his mind off things, Gerard finally gave in and got up, taking care to not wake anyone else up as he made his way outside and onto the desert sand. He guessed it must have been around midnight, the stars a nice contrast to the dark night sky. Gerard was slightly unprepared for how cold it would be out here at night, now only wearing a shirt he had to borrow from one of the guys. 

Spotting the Trans Am, Gerard made his way over and sat up on the hood, before laying down; his hands resting on the underside of his head to look up and watch the night sky. He so happened to catch a shooting star making its way across. Gerard wanted to make a wish, but didn’t know what to wish for. For the first time since he could remember, he had the ability to think for himself, wondering if he was going to choose to stay here, or eventually make his way back to Battery City. 

“Can’t sleep?” It was a familiar voice. Ghoul’s voice. 

“Nah, feels like for the first time in my life I’m finally actually awake.” Gerard looked over to see Ghoul walking up to the car too.

He got up on the hood, lying next to Gerard who moved his left arm back down by his side, Ghoul and him now touching. They stayed in silence for some time, Gerard desperately wanting to say or do something, but like usual, not knowing what. He thought about asking Ghoul to show him his tattoos again. He thought about pulling him in for that kiss he had been constantly daydreaming about. He thought about doing anything other than just fucking laying there in silence. Before he could make a choice, Ghoul took Gerard’s hand and laced their fingers together, not saying a word. He was thankful his heart wasn’t beating as loud as it was fast, worried Ghoul was able to feel his sudden surge in adrenaline just from touching his skin. For a split second, he wished it was just Ghoul and him out here in the desert. No Better Living, no Battery City, no Killjoys. 

If only that shooting star was making its way over now. 

Admittedly, Gerard felt sick to his stomach, knowing it was wrong for him to even be having these thoughts about Ghoul, let alone a Killjoy. He wondered if it was some sort of Stockholm syndrome, or even if Gerard was just imagining it, wanting to glance down and check Ghoul was actually holding his hand. _Should he say something? Should he lean over and kiss Ghoul? Should he pull his hand away?_ Gerard was filled with inner turmoil, as he started to wish he was on his medication again. That way he wouldn’t even have to make this choice, it would already be made for him. He thought maybe if he just kissed Ghoul one more time, these thoughts would go away. That he was merely curious and also so very fucking confused. He shut his eyes, telling himself any moment he was going to lean over and do it, but each minute that went by he still hadn’t moved. _Any moment now he would._

Only Gerard didn’t need to, suddenly feeling Ghoul shift and then the warmth of his breath on his lips. He opened his eyes, to see the Killjoy leaning over him, his black hair falling into this face. Gerard’s heart was now beating a mile a minute as he let out a small smile, before using the back of Ghoul’s neck to pull him down into a kiss. And it was such a relief, literal euphoria washing over his whole body, now able to finally kiss him back, this morning feeling like a lifetime away. 

Gerard didn’t want to stop, biting into Ghoul’s bottom lip, the Killjoy not even flinching at the pain. He wanted more, but didn’t know of what, feeling Ghoul’s hands make their way through his hair. It all felt insanely good, so good Gerard could have easily forgotten about everything else. Wanting to just stay like this forever. Until Ghoul pulled away.

“You know this is gonna fuck things up, right?” He asked.

 _Why?_ Gerard thought. It didn’t mean anything, just a tiny bit of lust, that he was certain would simmer now he had got what he wanted. Gerard worried Ghoul would make this into something it wasn’t, certain it was no more than some harmless fun. And regardless, he was planning on returning to Battery City at some stage, surely Ghoul already knew that? “What’s the harm?” Gerard asked him quietly, his eyes again finding their way to the Killjoy’s lips. He leaned in to kiss him, this time Ghoul forcing his tongue into Gerard's mouth. 

\---  
Gerard really did think he was going to return to Battery City, but the longer he spent out in the desert, away from it all and off his pills, the more of a memory the city became. Until Gerard stopped thinking about returning home altogether. He was too busy adjusting to his new life, his newly dyed red hair a testament to that. 

It had been a while since Gerard and Ghoul had been alone, the four of them now constantly on the move after their hideout had been ambushed by Draculoids one night, Gerard killing his first one. He had his own blaster now, Ghoul had brought it back from a drop specifically for Gerard. He still remembered his face when he finally gave it to him, as if the ray gun would make up for everything that was happening in the world. 

“Party, do you think that’s possible?” Gerard was pulled from his daydream by the use of a name he resented. 

He wasn’t sure when they had all started calling him that, but Gerard refused to go by it, the name dealing a life sentence as a Killjoy. Something he still most certainly was not. 

“Well, yeah, I guess so.” Gerard was watching the flames from the camp fire they were perched around, not really interested in the attack the other three were planning.

“What do you mean you _guess so?_ ” Gerard realised it was his brother talking. “We need more than a fucking guess.”

He didn’t understand why they were so hell bent on going back to the city. Mikey had spent so long trying to get Gerard out, why would they want to return just as he was starting to prefer it out here? “So long as they haven’t terminated our access codes.” 

The plan was literally reliant on actually getting inside Better Living Industries. Sure, awhile back that would have been no problem, Gerard would just have entered his access code and walked right in. But nowadays, Better Living were on high alert for either of the Way brothers. Rumours even circling back that they had wanted Killjoy posters up for both of them all over Battery. Gerard resented Mikey for that. 

“And what do we do if they have??” Ghoul sounded annoyed, as if Gerard was keeping all the secrets in the world from him.

“Fucked.” Gerard shrugged. “That’s why I think you shouldn’t go.” He wasn’t sure if he meant you as a collective, or was specifically thinking about Ghoul.

“Look, we can’t get in? We tear shit up. Kill a few Dracs, destroy some B L transport trucks, let people know we’re still here.” Jet was always the rational one. “I think we still go for it.”

Gerard glanced over at his brother, missing the days when he could make him do whatever he wanted with just a look. But Mikey shook his head. “Sorry G, I’m with Jet.”

He didn’t bother to check with Ghoul, already knowing who’s side he would be on. Gerard was outnumbered, sighing before turning back to the fire. “Fine, but anything goes wrong, I’m looking out for myself.” Gerard, once again, reminding them he wasn’t a Killjoy.

After a while, Jet and Kobra headed off to sleep, leaving Ghoul to take first watch and Gerard to sit in an awkward silence. He wasn’t allowed to be look out, probably because the guys didn’t trust him to either not run off or be able to protect them if they were ambushed in their sleep. Gerard didn’t mind though, anything to relieve himself of responsibility for the group. 

He wondered if all this time on the run had caused a rift between Ghoul and himself, being unable to spend any time alone together. Gerard thought back to the night on the hood of the Trans Am, watching the sky. Ghoul leaning over him, his eyes practically glistening from the moonlight, before reaching up to kiss him. But they never do that anymore. He half guessed it was because they never had the time, the other half because Gerard wasn’t sure how he felt about the whole situation. And Ghoul never spoke about it either, which kind of drove Gerard mad, always second guessing if it actually even happened in the first place. 

He couldn’t take the silence anymore, standing up and kicking some of the hard dirt ground with his foot. “You got a smoke?” He asked Ghoul, who shot his head up, surprised Gerard was asking. Gerard didn’t – _hadn’t_ – smoked. Battery forbid it. But lately, every time Ghoul had one in his mouth, all Gerard could think about was what it would taste like. “And a light?” He added, Ghoul taking out a cigarette and letting it rest between his lips. 

He lit it up for Gerard, taking a drag himself before passing it over. 

The Trans Am was close by, Gerard walking around to the opposite side to lean against it and watch the desert in solitude, his back to the rest of the group. That was, until Ghoul was by his side. He had his own cigarette now, effortlessly taking drags, making it look easy. Again, Gerard didn’t like the taste, but found it kind of calming, and definitely took his mind off other things. 

“When we get into Battery, I don’t think we should split up.” Ghoul was talking all quiet, but Gerard could still hear. 

He didn’t want to talk about plans and attacks, and especially not Battery. Gerard just sighed, taking another drag.

“This is what we _do_ , you get that right? If you’re gonna be out here with us, all of you has to be in it.” 

Gerard didn’t care about any of this, as far as he was concerned, being out of Battery City was enough for him. Being able to do what he wanted when he wanted on the other hand, that was too much. He didn’t spend his time coming up with masterplans or how next to get back at Better Living. Mostly he just thought about Ghoul really, and whether he thought about Gerard the same amount. Dropping the half-done cigarette on the ground and putting it out with his foot, Gerard reached out for Ghoul’s side, bunching his shirt up in his fist before pulling him over. He never really realised how much taller than Ghoul he was until now, having to look down to see his lips. He was so close, could almost count each individual eyelash that fluttered on Ghoul’s eyelids. “I don’t wanna talk about any of that shit.” He said levelly. 

Ghoul was pressing up against him now, he knew because he could feel his belt buckle pushing into him. Gerard wondered why his heart still beat so fast; he had done this before, although some time ago now. A couple of seconds went by, Ghoul and Gerard just standing there looking at each other, both losing track of time, before Gerard leant in and finally kissed Ghoul again. Now he liked the taste of cigarettes. 

But the kiss only lasted a second at most. Remembering Jet and his brother were just behind them. Ghoul knew exactly why Gerard had stopped, standing up on his toes to look over the roof of the car to check they were still out. Which they were. 

He could feel Ghoul’s hand crawling underneath his shirt, his fingers somehow cold and warm at the same time. The contact made his stomach turn, pulling in a sharp breath, butterflies erupting, as he made his way right up to his chest. They were still pressed up against one another, only no longer kissing. 

“Wait.” He didn’t mean to say that, he meant the complete opposite. Regardless, Ghoul kept going, his other hand snaking around Gerard’s lower back to pull him in even closer. Gerard never really thought about it before, but he guessed he must be a few years older than Ghoul, the Killjoy’s eagerness a dead giveaway. 

Ghoul was back on his toes, leaning in to kiss Gerard some more. “What for?” He spoke into the kiss, Gerard could feel him smiling. 

He didn’t have an answer, instead giving out a light moan when Ghoul gently bit down on his bottom lip. He didn’t care now if he was being loud, the feeling of Ghoul up against him, kissing him, clouding Gerard’s brain. It was better than any pill, he swore. 

“Fuck, I have missed you.” He heard Ghoul breathe in between rough, messy kisses.

This made Gerard’s stomach do summersaults. He wanted to reach under Ghoul’s shirt, feel the tattoos he hadn’t even seen there yet, and he was about to, until he heard his name being called from what felt like a mile away. The two pulled apart immediately.

“ _Gerard? Ghoul?_ ” It was Mikey, suddenly awake. He wasn’t panicked, but sounded disorientated. 

Ghoul quickly took out another cigarette, lighting it up before walking around to where Jet and Kid had fallen asleep. “Yo, Kid everything alright?” 

“I fell asleep, didn’t know where you had gone. Thought maybe – Dracs or something, I dunno.” 

Gerard was still around the other side of the car, wishing his brother hadn’t woken up just yet. He waited a few seconds before walking around to join them. Mikey almost cocked his head at his brother, who now wondered if he hair was a mess, or if Ghoul had left some obvious marks on his lips. But neither said anything. 

“You wanna take a watch?” Ghoul asked Mikey. “I could use some sleep.” 

\---  
Gerard was in the back seat with his brother, Jet in the front and Ghoul driving. Occasionally, Gerard would catch Ghoul watching him in the review mirror, before putting his eyes back on the road. Gerard felt sick. They were on their way to the City, their ray guns stocked with brand new batteries, and a few cans of spray paint Jet had managed to scavenge from a drop laying at his feet. Gerard knew how inconvenient cleaning the Killjoy graffiti off the buildings was for Better Living; they would have to repaint the walls and print out new wanted posters the terrorists – Killjoys – had tagged over. But he didn’t think all of this was worth just an inconvenience. Truthfully, Gerard was scared to return to the city, wondering if anyone would recognise him, or if he, for some reason, wouldn’t want to leave again once he was back. The other three in the car didn’t seem to have that problem he figured, wondering if he should warn them about it again. Just in case he fucked something up, or better yet, tell them he really should just stay behind. But every time he tried to bring it up, they would all just looked at him strangely, unable to comprehend _why anyone would willingly go back to Battery City, so there couldn’t possibly be anything for Gerard to worry about, right?_

“Okay, so we get in, Kid, you and I head for the armoury, Party you show Ghoul to the control room. Make sure you neutralise anyone in there, and Kid and I will bring up the EMP.” Jet was repeating the plan for the one hundredth time, Gerard almost able to recite it back word for word. Although, he guessed that was kind of the point. 

Mikey had assured them during his training, he was not only shown how to use typical weaponry for mass destruction, but that SCARECROW had a whole division dedicated to technological warfare. Explaining all types of devices that could cause major havoc behind the scenes, in particular an EMP generator. 

They were planning to attack the grid, to shut off Battery City. Once Better Living rebooted the whole system, Gerard knew there would be a split moment in time where the firewall would be compromised. _Only a split second_ , but would be enough for Jet to hack in and open a backdoor for them to access later. 

Pulling up to the city, Gerard could feel it again. That sickly twisting in his stomach. Battery looked exactly the same as ever, sterile, derelict and depressing, _homely._

They abandoned the car somewhere out of plain sight, not risking taking it into the city, even if it did mean they would have to walk some. Mikey lead the way, followed by Jet, Ghoul then Gerard, winding through back alleyways until they were only a few blocks from Better Living. Right in the middle of the city, Gerard wished they were doing this during the day, the deafening silence from city curfew sending shivers up his spine. Mikey and Jet advanced forward, Ghoul about to follow, only turning around when he noticed Gerard wasn’t. He could literally feel the panic in his eyes, darting all over the place, scared of continuing. 

“Hey.” He was standing close now. “It’s going to be alright. Fun, even.” Ghoul pulled his bandana up to his nose and Gerard copied, the small sense of anonymity giving him some relief. 

Trailing behind, Gerard could see Jet had covered as many Killjoy posters he could find with his spray paint, the faces now unrecognisable, rendering the flyers useless. Gerard was caught by one he was sure must have previously been him. The colour coating the sheet, making it wet almost and curl up at the edges. He reached out to touch it, the paint sticking to his fingers. “Green.” He heard from behind him. “It’s called green.” It was a nice colour, one he would have liked to ask a few questions about, if only he had the time. 

They were at the front doors now; Gerard so thankful Better Living never stationed any Drac lookouts this late at night. Time was painfully slow as Mikey entered in his access code, the LED screen flashing back ACCESS DENIED. He tried again, with the same result. Gerard pushed his way to the front, his hands shaking as he wiped the paint off his fingers before entering his own code. 

**WELCOME. GERARD WAY :)**

The smiley face taunting him. Gerard did find it odd that they had terminated Mikey’s access code, and not his own, but none of them had the time to think better of it. 

Once they were in, Mikey and Jet were off. Gerard feeling a yearning for his baby brother, not knowing if he’d see him again in one piece after what about was about to go down. Ghoul pulled him from his thoughts. “Party? Lead the way.” 

They raced down a few halls, Gerard absent-mindedly taking all the right turns. Until they reached the control room. He punched in his code again, the door buzzing as it opened, both men holding their ray guns ready. Only it was empty. Gerard remembered thinking how unlikely that would have been. It was policy to have someone stationed in this room at all times. _Was this a trap? Did they know he was here?_

“Our lucky day, I guess.” Ghoul shrugged, returning from scoping out the room to double check it was actually was. 

Gerard’s eyes were drawn very quickly to a prescription bottle sitting on the control panel, before darting to Ghoul who now had his back to him. Even more strangely, the container had his name on it. _They were his pills? Had he left them there?_ No, he had never been in this room before. Without thinking, he grabbed them quickly, stashing it into his pockets, right as the door was kicked open. 

“About time.” Ghoul spun around. Only it wasn’t Jet or Kobra, it was a Draculoid, followed by another and another. 

It all happened so incredibly fast, Ghoul managing to shoot one off before ducking behind the desk in the centre of the room. Gerard wasn’t so lucky, one Draculoid going after Ghoul while the other managed to knock Party to the ground. The Drac kicked his ray gun out of his hand, pointing his own between Gerard’s eyes. 

“I don’t know why they think you’re _so special._ ” Gerard always forgot Draculoids could speak, their disturbing faces enough to say a thousand words. “Are there more of you here?” 

“Yes.” Being in Battery City already clouding his mind. “In the armoury.” 

“What the fuck are you saying!?” He could hear Ghoul screaming as he finally managed to kill the Drac fighting him. 

By the time Ghoul had made it over to Gerard, the Draculoid was long gone. Most likely to get more backup before heading to the armoury. Gerard stood up, Ghoul just staring at him with that same look of resentment he had seen once before. He tried to reach out and touch him, but Ghoul shoved him back. 

“Are you fucking crazy!?” It was venomous. Ghoul shot out of the room, running back towards the entrance. Gerard two steps behind. “The gun room, where is it?” 

Gerard didn’t respond at first, but then realised that Ghoul didn’t know his way around. 

“ _The fucking armoury!?_ ” He had his ray gun pressed against Gerard’s forehead, the distinct sound of the intruder alarm echoing through his skull. “ _Take me there._ ” 

The next few moments were a blur, Gerard leading Ghoul to the armoury, who pushed his way past Gerard once they reached it. It was obvious they were late, the sound of the firefight inside haunting to hear. Gerard just hid, physically unable to bring himself to help. He wanted everything to stop. The alarms, the guns, the screams. His hands shaking, Gerard reached down to take the medication out of his pocket, _just one to stop the noise_ , he thought. The pill was hard to swallow without water, but Gerard welcomed the wave of silence it brought once he had, the effects almost instant. Closing the container before putting them back into his pocket, Gerard could still see the lasers flying across the room, only now all he could hear was blissful white noise. Almost as if he was watching a movie with the sound muted. 

Seconds later, Gerard felt a thud to the back of his head, before everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow if you see me write dessert instead of desert one more time let me know, because i obviously like sweets more than i like sand.


	3. three

Gerard could feel his whole body vibrating, waking up from what felt like a terrible nightmare. He didn’t dare to open his eyes yet, wondering why he was now starting to feel motion sick. 

_“You weren’t there, it wasn’t like he didn’t have a choice. They just asked and he told them. Straight away.”_

That was Ghoul, but who was he talking about?

 _“I don’t know, I don’t think he would be capable of doing that.”_ Mikey now, his voice a lot closer than Ghoul’s. _“We made it out alive, took whatever we could find, it wasn’t a complete failure.”_

 _“I don’t trust him.”_ Ghoul again. _“I know he’s your brother and all, but I don’t fucking trust him.”_

Gerard opened his eyes to meet the floor of the Trans Am. He was curled up in the back seat, his knees pulled up to his chest. At the end of his feet, was Mikey. Meaning Ghoul and Jet must have been in the front. The moment Gerard made the slightest movement, everyone stopped talking. He had been asking them what had happened, how they all got out Better Living, and how he had even got back into the car, but no one would answer. They wouldn’t even acknowledge him. 

He wracked his brain trying to think, to remember anything from the mission, but nothing would come to mind. Feeling an uncomfortable digging in his left leg, Gerard reached down to remove it, only realising it was the prescription bottle pressing into his thigh, which he was now laying on. That brought some memories back. Crouching out of sight in the armoury, ray guns going off everywhere, taking a pill to help him calm down, then black. 

He felt sick recalling he had taken a pill, swearing to himself that it would be the only one. He would crush them all as soon as he was out of the car. Destroy them. 

The rest of the ride was complete silence. Gerard watching the review mirror, waiting for Ghoul to look back, only he never did. Gerard knew there was something he was forgetting, trying to replay every step back to himself to help remember. But everything was a major blur, he felt hazy, like last night was a dream, that, with every waking moment, became more and more obscure. He knew it was probably from the pill, woke up feeling like he was a living ghost, floating around aimlessly, unsure what was real or not. He also knew a simple fix would be to take another, but then he would just have to keep taking more. An endless cycle. And besides, it’s not like he could discreetly swallow one with Mikey right by his side. 

Gerard felt like they had been driving around for days, no one talking, everyone living inside their own heads, until the car stopped. The sun was blaring down, the long-broken AC in the Trans Am not helping the situation. Gerard sat up, to look out the window, and saw that they had pulled up at an abandoned gas station; a place to set up camp and rest awhile. 

Everyone climbed out the car, Gerard hanging back, waiting for instructions that never came. They made their way inside after the usual scope out, checking the place for Dracs or other Zone-runners that may have already claimed the spot. 

Gerard grabbed his brother’s wrist and pulled him back behind Ghoul and Jet, who kept walking. “Mikey, what’s going on?” His brother would barely look at him. 

“Ghoul reckons you snitched on us, told them we were coming.” Gerard let the words wash over him. They hurt a bit. “Did you?” 

He couldn’t believe his own brother was asking him this. “What? No? Of course not?” Gerard didn’t know why his words came out as questions. _Did he?_ He suddenly wasn’t sure anymore. 

“I don’t know, you tell me.” Mikey pulled his wrist away, heading back over to where Jet and Ghoul had set up.

There were old refrigerators, long since working, lining the wall of the small gas stop, completely empty. Probably looted at the beginning of the Danger Days, and Gerard wished whoever got so lucky would have left just one or two things for them to eat. 

Gerard looked over to Ghoul, who refused to look back. “So, what’s the plan now?” He was trying to break the tension that was obviously building. 

“ _The plan?_ There is no plan. Not with you anyway. Like you’ve said so many times, you’re not a Killjoy, so you can stop pretending you want to know about the fucking plan.” Ghoul’s eyes like daggers, finally locking onto Gerard. 

Jet and Mikey just looked down at their hands awkwardly, acting as if they had both suddenly found something interesting to be fixated on. 

“Well, I’m not a fucking snitch-” 

“Oh, please, just save it.” Ghoul cut him off. “Your access code working but Kid’s not? The control room being completely empty? You so quick to answer that Drac’s question before it could barely get the words out of its mouth like you had practiced it a million fucking times? For fucks sake you were even shot at the factory and didn’t die, I don’t know how we didn’t see it earlier.” Ghoul’s words sounded strange to him, like he was talking about someone else. Anyone else. “Killjoys? We look out for each other. Hell, even Dracs look out for each other. But you? You’re fucking something else.” 

Gerard just stood there for a while, not really sure how to respond, or if Ghoul would even let him. Deciding it would be easier to head out and cool down in the car for a bit, Gerard just left without saying a word. He lay down on his back, across the seats, staring up at the roof of the car. Noticing how dirty it was, and that it would soon need to be reupholstered. In the silence, Gerard’s thoughts were consuming him. _Did Better Living know he would come back? And why were his pills in the control room waiting for him?_ He itched for another. _Maybe one more to get to sleep._ He thought, convincing himself _this_ would be the last one. 

Gerard liked the numb they brought. Craved it even. But he wasn’t relapsing. _He wasn’t. It was only just until things had cooled down._ Gerard kept repeating that to himself until he eventually fell asleep, finding himself in a crazy dream of talking Killjoy posters, and Draculoids and desert sand that stretched for miles. It was all he could fucking see; sand, burning the soles of his feet even through his boots. Until, suddenly all he could feel was cold. And pressure against his forehead. 

“Get up.” The voice pulled Gerard from his dream. 

Upside down, Ghoul didn’t look so familiar, Gerard now realising the pressure was from the Killjoy’s gun between his eyes. He had forgotten how cold it was out in the desert at night, wishing Ghoul would shut the Am’s door to keep the warmth in. 

“Get. Up.” Gerard didn’t like this version of Ghoul, the stone cold, Drac killer that Gerard guessed Ghoul would always be deep down. And perhaps he never really knew Ghoul, only a small side he reserved for desperate times when he was bored of running it out in the zones. “I’m not gonna ask again.” Ghoul tightening the grip on his gun.

Stumbling out of the car, Ghoul directed Gerard over to an open area just far enough away that he wouldn’t have been able to call out to either Kid or Jet with much ease. He forced him down, execution style, holding his gun to the back of his head. 

“Tell me you’re not working with them.” Gerard wasn’t sure at first what he meant, but figured he must have been talking about Better Living. 

These past few months had all started to blend into one another for Gerard, he could hardly even remember the night he snuck out of Battery to meet with his brother. And truthfully, now he was considering maybe Better Living had _sent_ him out instead. He knew the easiest way to alleviate the situation would be to tell Ghoul that obviously he wasn’t, but he could feel the BLI medication working too effectively throughout his body. Unable to lie, Gerard just told the truth. “I don’t know. I can’t remember.” The words physically hurt as they came out. Gerard wanted to suck them back in, tell Ghoul that he would _never_ do that to him.

“You’re too much of a liability.” Ghoul sounded like he was more trying to convince himself than Gerard. “If we get too close…”

Gerard guessed Ghoul couldn’t bring himself to shoot, otherwise he would have done it by now; instead giving Gerard every chance he could to redeem himself. But the pills wouldn’t let him, even though Gerard knew Ghoul was being ridiculous. He had _helped_ them destroy the pill factory, he had told them about all of Better Living’s secrets, even taken them inside. “You’re all going to be dead soon anyway. It’s comply or die.” Gerard said flatly, the words coming out like vomit he had no control over. 

Ghoul froze, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, before he grabbed a fist full of Gerard’s hair, pulling back down so roughly that Gerard almost heard his neck snap. “ _I trusted you._ ” Ghoul’s voice was like poison, every syllable driving daggers into Gerard’s heart. He didn’t want to hurt Ghoul, but knew he had no choice, as soon as his closed fist connected with Gerard’s cheek.

But Gerard didn’t feel the pain, managing to fight Ghoul off and gain control of the situation, both men’s rays guns slewed across the sand. He had Ghoul by the throat now, remembering a time years ago when a gang of Killjoys had attacked the Better Living headquarters, a rough looking one killing an innocent bystander right by Gerard. In this moment, he imaged Ghoul was that Killjoy, squeezing hard around his throat as he felt Ghoul’s fingers clawing at Gerard’s hands. He had him lying in the dirt, kneeling by his side, and could see Ghoul beginning to gasp for air, his eyes starting to roll into the back of his head. Every part of Gerard was screaming for himself to stop, but his hands wouldn’t listen, only squeezing tighter. And they were bleeding now, Ghoul’s nails digging into his skin. 

“Stop.” Ghoul managed to gasp out. “G. Please.” 

The nickname pulled Gerard back into reality, immediately letting go of Ghoul’s throat, as he threw himself back. He was looking down at his hands as if they weren’t his own. Unable to comprehend what was going on. This moment of confusion was enough for Ghoul to compose himself, as he got up and tackled Gerard now, his hands finding their way around Gerard’s throat instead. He didn’t understand. No, _Ghoul_ didn’t understand, it wasn’t Gerard doing this. It couldn’t have been. 

Gerard was convinced Ghoul was squeezing ten times harder than he must have been, his throat beginning to close in, unable to breathe and even beginning to be unable to see. 

“You are the one who is going to be fucking dead soon. Don’t you understand, complying is dying. It’s the same fucking thing.” Ghoul’s voice didn’t sound like his own. He could hardly speak, his vocal cords all types of damaged. 

Gerard swore he could feel himself coughing up blood now, unable to process anymore of what Ghoul was saying. He was so desperate to get away, his hand reaching across the ground for the ray gun that was still too far away.

\---  
“He’s all kinds of fucked up, Kid! He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s saying, or doing! I don’t even think he knows who the fuck he is!”

Gerard couldn’t believe he was still alive. A wheezing and unbearable pain in his throat, but alive nonetheless. He was back in the Trans Am, with one door open, the other definitely shut, Mikey, Ghoul and Jet all standing outside arguing. He wanted to get up, but for some reason, couldn’t. Glancing down at his leg, he saw his ankle had been handcuffed to the car door, the Killjoys obviously worried he would try run off. But he could still sit up, doing so and catching the sight of his neck in the revision mirror. It was all red and blue, bruised to shit, his skin matching the excruciating razor blades he could feel on the inside. The three looked over as Gerard did, Mikey the only one to come over. 

“Are you _insane_!?” He hissed. Gerard didn’t know what Mikey was talking about, not that he could have responded even if he did. “What the fuck is going on?” 

Gerard wanted to ask Mikey the same question, nothing made sense to him anymore; everything a confusing blur. He liked it better when he was all drugs, or no drugs, this in between was driving him mad. He looked out of the car to where Jet and Ghoul were standing, now noticing Ghoul’s neck. A mirror image of his own. “Did I do that?” He managed to choke out. 

“Yes?” Mikey only said one word but there was a _how can you not remember_ that came along with it. 

Gerard put his hands to his neck, not daring to touch the skin. “Did I do _this_?” 

“What?! Ghoul did that. G, is everything okay?” 

Gerard looked over at Ghoul again. _Why?_ He thought. _Did they hate each other?_ It was the only explanation, no one could do this to someone they liked. His brother took a step back from the car, hearing Ghoul start up again. 

“You really should bounce, because next time we’re alone I’ll make sure I really fucking kill you!” Jet seemed to be holding him back, trying to calm him down some.

“Shut the fuck up, Ghoul. He’s not going anywhere. And neither are you.” Mikey was all stern, sticking up for his brother. “I don’t know what the fuck went on, but we all need to sit down and think this through.” 

“Nah-uh, not with _him_.” The look on Ghoul’s face confirming to Gerard they mustn’t have liked each other.

Gerard was fine by this, he didn’t want to sit down and talk. He actually agreed with Ghoul and wanted to get the fuck of out here. He was certain he needed medical attention, and knew the infirmary at Better Living would have him back to normal again in no time. Gerard just needed to get his ankle free. 

Mikey taking Ghoul’s side for once and realising Gerard couldn’t really go anywhere, decided to take the Killjoy meeting inside, and as curious as Gerard was to know what they would be talking about, he was more focused on getting back to Battery. Madly searching around the car for a means to escape, Gerard noticed a stack of Better Living paperwork crammed into the back pocket of the driver seat. Mikey must have snatched it from the headquarters when they were there last, a whole lot of military paperwork; weaponry, personnel, communication networks. But Gerard wasn’t interested in any of that, what he was interested in was the fucking paperclip holding it all together. He almost caught himself smiling with how lucky he had just been, remoulding the paperclip and frantically jamming it into the handcuff keyhole. Until he heard the sweet relief of a tiny click, the cuff loosen around his ankle. Gerard scrambled over the centre console into the front seat, pulling down the sun visor to grab the keys he had seen everyone leave tucked behind there so many times before. He knew as soon as he started up the car, he would have to be gone the second after, the engine bound to alert the three inside. 

Turning the key, Gerard heard the engine roar to life, slamming his foot down on the accelerator as hard as he could. Driving the Trans Am felt good, something he wasn’t anticipating. It was fun, exhilarating, lethal. He knew Mikey, Jet and Ghoul would be so pissed that he had taken it, almost feeling guilty about leaving them stranded in the middle of whatever zone they had ended up in. But Gerard had more important things to worry about now, like how to orient himself back to Battery.

He had been driving for what felt like hours on the same stretch of road, only half certain he was headed in the right direction. Until he saw what he thought was a few Dracs riding towards him in the distance. This was good. He thought to himself. He’d just explain who he was, ask them to take him back to Battery and get himself to the infirmary. Only Gerard didn’t account for the fact he was driving one of the most recognisable Killjoy cars, the Dracs obviously unable to tell who was driving as they pulled up. 

Slamming on the breaks caused a whole lot of dust to erupt around the car, Gerard opening the drive door to step out. In hindsight he was lucky the Dracs didn’t ghost him right then and there, the dust settling to reveal the whole lot of them with their ray guns pointed at Gerard as he got out. 

He held his hands up in submission. “I need you to take me to Better Living headquarters.” He demanded, still counting on his rank as some form of authority. 

Surprisingly, the Dracs didn’t ask any questions, one immediately grabbing Gerard by his bicep, to escort him back to one of the bikes before returning to Battery.

\---  
It was now day six back on the pills, Gerard having been contained in a small holding cell since he had arrived as if he was some contaminant. He had been assessed by a top medical practitioner, but other than that the only contact he had been receiving was from a head CROW who came in every morning to deliver his medication and repeatedly ask questions about where he had been these last couple of months and whether the Killjoys had been planning any more attacks. He hadn’t been able to answer, most of his time away now a complete blur, and he had even overheard the CROW talking to her superior about increasing his dosage to help increase compliance. He didn’t mind though, if the medication was going to help him get back to normal, then he would take whatever he was given. 

But this morning when the CROW arrived, she had Gerard’s ray gun in her hand and his prescription bottle in the other. After asking him to take his morning dosage, she handed them both to Gerard. 

“We have a prisoner we want you to deal with.” She said sternly. “A terrorist. A Killjoy. We found him snooping around the city.” 

The name pricked Gerard’s ears; they were bad, had to be exterminated. He knew this must have been a test, to see if Gerard was really on his way back to being a model citizen. On his way back to being the future leader of Better Living Industries. 

She walked him out, and towards a holding cell not far down the hall, quite similar to his own. He felt comfortable knowing this wasn’t taking place in an interrogation room with associates watching him through one of those two-way mirrors. 

“Just ring the bell once you’ve done your duty.” She said, lips poised as she opened the door to let Gerard inside. 

The words instilled a sense of pride in him. _Duty._ He repeated, finally happy to have some responsibility again. Walking through, Gerard heard the distinct sound of the door slamming shut behind him, locking as it did. He looked over to see a Killjoy handcuffed to the table in the middle of the room. He stood still for a moment. It was Ghoul who looked back at him. He remembered his name, his face, his voice even. But couldn’t remember why he seemed so important at this moment. 

“They send you in to finish the job?” Ghoul had his face all beat, blood streaming from his right eyebrow, which obviously needed stitches. 

He saw Ghoul’s eye find their way to Gerard’s ray gun before fixating on the prescription bottle held tight in his left hand. Not really sure why he was holding it, he placed it on the corner of the table. 

“You taking their pills again?” Ghoul’s voice sounded disgusted.

“You are a terrorist. A traitor. You were given the choice. Comply or-”

“Yeah, yeah. I heard it the first 50 times. _Comply or die._ ” Even after all this time, Ghoul was still a real smartass. “Well, get it over with, because I will _never_ comply. And after you’re done with me, you can kill your brother too, because Mikey, he’s never coming back either. No one’s coming back, you’re going to be stuck here taking those pills every day until you’re fucking by-product of BLIND, deprived of freewill and everything that comes along with it.” 

The words stirred up Gerard some kind of crazy. Freewill. _Freewill isn’t something that should be feared like BL/IND wants you to think._ That was Ghoul’s voice inside his head, but from when? 

“Listen. I don’t know if it’s really you in there, or who _really you_ even is, but you don’t have to do this. You can make a choice.” Ghoul was pleading now, Gerard wondering what it would feel like to be this close to imminent death. 

Only he was once. Hands around his throat. Unable to breath. And it was Ghoul who had been the one doing it. He was slowly but surely remembering parts that had brought him back here. 

“Don’t do this. Let me go. Come back with me for fucks sake. We can sit up on the Ams, watching the stars.” 

_Had he ever done that?_ Why did it feel so familiar? Gerard always knew people would become desperate in dire situations, but Ghoul’s voice seemed so genuine. Gerard’s eyes ran over the Killjoy, his hands cuffed, tattoos all over them. He followed them up his arms, landing on a bright coloured one decorating him. _Red._ It was a colour he knew. A colour Ghoul had told him about. Sitting in a room. His hands were on Ghoul’s skin.

It was as if a million thoughts had flooded Gerard’s brain at once. Most of them containing Ghoul. _Ghoul showing him his tattoos. Ghoul taking him on a drive. Ghoul lighting him a cigarette._

Gerard was fighting against his own memories, trying to grasp on to any he could before they disappeared again. “My head. I can’t really remember. Everything’s mixed up inside my brain.” 

Ghoul had been watching him this whole time. He was standing up now, walking around the table, his arms crossing the front of his body on account of the handcuffs. Gerard’s eyes were darting everywhere around the room, trying to understand what was happening and why things were only coming back in tiny pieces. 

Ghoul was really close, looking up at Gerard. “Fuck, I have missed you.” He breathed.

 _Ghoul kissing him._

The feeling of Ghoul’s lips, his skin, his hair. Even the taste of this breath, all flooded back to Gerard. His eyes stopped darting, instead now falling into Ghoul’s. Swimming in them. Wanting to dive in and have Ghoul explain everything that was happening. Neither said a word, Gerard taking a step closer and finally closing the gap between them. Ghoul almost cowering, unsure if he had gotten through. 

But Gerard just grabbed his face, bringing it into his and forcing their lips together. A fit of returned feelings and memories exploding within Gerard. 

At first it was quite innocent, until Gerard couldn’t control himself much longer. Pushing Ghoul back onto the table, he got up over him, his knees straddling either side. It was rough, Gerard not sure if he was taking out his anger on Ghoul for almost strangling him to death, but either way Ghoul was giving it back just as rough. He was pulling at his waistband now, Gerard breaking this kiss as if he had only just realised what he had been doing. 

“We have to get out of here.” He breathed, almost silent. 

Standing off the table, Gerard aimed his ray gun and the chain keeping Ghoul prisoner, firing a laser without consulting Ghoul for his opinion. He was lucky it worked, Ghoul’s hands still cuffed together but no long joined to the desk. 

Telling Ghoul to lean against the wall nearest to the door, Gerard rang the buzzer to be let out. 

The CROW greeted Gerard with a smile on her face, having heard the ray gun go off. But was only short lived, her face immediately dropping as she was met with Gerard’s gun now pointed to her face. “You’re all going to be dead soon.” Was all Gerard said, before firing his gun point blank and killing the CROW without a thought. He grabbed her gun from its holster, handing it to Ghoul. Only after realising that may have been a stupid move. He turned around and looked at the Killjoy for a moment, his mouth not saying a word but his eyes doing all the talking.

“Relax, I’m not going to kill you.” Ghoul responded, not oblivious to how the situation looked. “Let’s fucking move!”

Gerard remembered the intruder alarm blaring insanely loud, and a mess of lasers and Dracs and CROWs sent out to stop them. Ghoul and Gerard killing as many as they came across. He led Ghoul over towards an emergency exit, meant for top Better Living personnel to use as an escape in case of an attack. Making their way out the back, Gerard was now wondering how they were going to escape the city, Ghoul waving a set of keys in front of his face.

“Good job on putting them back behind the visor, but next time maybe don’t leave the Ams in the middle of the fucking desert.” Ghoul sounded angry but still using a friendly tone. “You’re never gonna hear the end of it.” 

Now it was Ghoul leading Gerard, to a secluded spot in the city. It was clearly an amateur Killjoy hideout, Gerard surprised it existed in Battery right under Better Living’s nose. The Trans Am was hidden out of plain sight, Ghoul passing the keys over to Gerard. 

He was excited to drive again, ripping out of Battery City and towards whichever zone Ghoul was directing him to. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see him trying to pry the handcuffs off his wrists, making his fists as small as possible. It was never going to work though. 

“Once we get out of dodge, I’ll help you take them off.” Gerard was now realising the long drive ahead of them, unsure if he wanted to arrive at the destination, having to face his brother and explain a whole lot of shit he wasn’t even sure he understood himself. 

Ghoul sat in silence the whole ride, a dramatic change from how he had been inside Better Living, and after hours and hours of driving, the sun finally set over the horizon, Gerard pulled over in desperate need of a break. They were in the middle of nowhere, desert stretching for miles, Gerard fretting how cold it would be once he got out of the car to stretch his legs. 

“You wanna take these off now?” Ghoul said matter-of-factly, holding his hands up out of his lap. 

Gerard dug around the back seat, looking for the paperclip he had used to free himself days earlier, before returning to Ghoul. Holding onto his wrist, Gerard fiddled with the paperclip until he heard the familiar click, taking the cuffs off. He was now way too aware of the feeling of Ghoul’s skin against his fingers, knowing they had a lot of shit to talk about. But what come out of Ghoul’s mouth was a complete surprise to Gerard.

“Look. You can stay here the night, so you don’t freeze to death. But sunup you gotta bounce. You’re still a traitor. I can’t promise I aint gonna try kill you for real this time.” 

Gerard was confused to say the least, replaying Ghoul’s words back through his head. _Come back with me. We can sit up on the Ams, watching the stars._ “What?” Was literally all Gerard could say.

“I needed a way out. Was no way I was getting out of there alive without you.” Ghoul’s words were like venom. “You’re not a Killjoy, man. I can’t trust you. I don’t even know who you are.” 

Gerard retreated his hand from around Ghoul’s wrist, a crazy sense of hurt flooding over him. “At the factory? Watching the sky? Sharing a cigarette? _That_ was me. You know who I am. All the other shit, that was the pills, Better Living. BLIND.” Ghoul looked over at him using that term for the company who had literally destroyed Gerard’s life. 

“They’ve got you so messed up. You don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.” 

“Fuck off.” Gerard could feel the anger building up. “You’re the one who _used_ me. Just so you could get what _you_ wanted. You don’t know me? Take a look at yourself. I don’t even know your real fucking name.” Gerard got out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

He didn’t know where he was going to go, he didn’t really want to go anywhere. Just needed some air and to clear his head. Things were so messed up now. He wanted to be back at the hideout, the guys sharing Killjoy stories with Gerard, trying to convince him to pick his Killjoy name. It felt like a life time ago. 

“Frank.” Ghoul had managed to make his way around the car to lean against it beside Gerard. “For what it’s worth, my name is Frank.” 

The name sounded weird in Gerard’s head. He didn’t know what he was expecting but now he couldn’t imagine anything else. He didn’t respond, but instead just reached out and grabbed Frank by the back of his head, pulling him in for another messy kiss. At first, he could feel him resisting, but Frank eventually gave in, slipping his tongue into Gerard’s mouth. He wasn’t sure if this was a kiss goodbye, or whether he was planning on saying more to Frank, the kiss lasting for a lot longer than the others before. Eventually, he pulled away. 

“ _That_ is the real me. _This is the real me._ ” Gerard knew it was corny as fuck, and wasn’t even sure it was going to work, very aware the Killjoy still had a gun in his holster. 

This time Frank didn’t respond, grabbing Gerard by the neck of his shirt and bringing him back in so their lips could meet again; Gerard reaching out to the car door handle behind them. Neither pulled away as he pried it open, forcing Frank on to the back seats of the Trans Am. He was on top of the Killjoy now, Gerard stopping for a moment to look down at him. They were breathing heavy, both of their hair a mess, crazy intense looks of lust in their eyes. Gerard pushed down that sense of _he could try kill me at any moment_ resonating throughout his body, instead trying to focus on the _what now?_ voice inside he head. He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what he _wanted_ to do. Wishing it was Frank on top of him instead at this very moment. 

“Take your shirt off.” He instructed, obviously noticing Gerard’s lack of direction. 

Gerard did as he was told, before pulling up Frank’s shirt, signalling for him to take his off also. As he did, Gerard noticed all the crazy tattoos Frank had covering him, finally being able to see the ones he had only been imagining from day one. He noticed Gerard staring, a smile growing on his face. “I’ll tell you all the colours in the morning.” He smirked, grabbing Gerard and bringing him back in for what Gerard was sure was the best kiss of his life. _The morning_. He could feel Frank’s hands making their way to unbuckle his belt.

“Fuck, Frank.” He breathed into his mouth, the name sounding much less strange on his lips than in his head. 

_This_ , Gerard really swore, was definitely going to be better than any drug.


End file.
